Midterm Undone

Still have exam papers to check today. This really is the bad side of being a teacher.

Laxatives

I feel guilty that I might not be able to comprehensively cover the topics in Election Law and Legal Ethics. I've been absent from class 4 times this year and now that the exams are approaching, I pity the students.

I shouldn't have adapted a fellow teacher's love for absences.

And I haven't checked their exam notebooks yet. Great, just great.

A Dream Is A Wish Your Heart Makes

I had a dream where everything seemed so familiar but I couldn't recognize the place and the people involved, when I woke up. I walked a trail so familiar I wondered if I had the same before. It could be de javu. Or I've had the same dream before. Or I've actually been in that place but I just couldn't remember.

I'd like to think that it is a recurring dream and that it is a sign that I am on a loop. I am walking the same path again. I am repeating the same mistakes. I am walking in circles.

I need to jump out of this loop and start again. I need to shift gears and be courageous enough to leave new footsteps on a new trail.

But when?

Organized Person Wannabe

I used to spend a lot of time organizing my stuff. Now I can't even straighten up my bed. I am too engrossed with my newfound Smart Unli Data, I can't seem to let my phone go.

I need to have a room to be proud of again. I am beginning to be a slob again. Tsk tsk tsk.

About Me

I've been blogging for almost 10 years now. I can't say I do it so that people can read about me. I often blog an entry when something frustrating pops up in my mind, mostly when I feel sad or depressed and I need a vent.

When I compose an entry, I don't often think of any other reader. I think of myself as the only reader although I know I'll be posting the entry in an open internet.

Because I have a very weak memory ( I can't remember names, faces, numbers, events, and basically everything -- too much anesthesia ), I blog so that years after, I'll have a bank of memories to read from and thus remind me of what I felt at certain moments of my life.

I am not a writer. I am just an ordinary person with ordinary experiences and ordinary thoughts. I don't intend to amaze or impress anyone with this blog. This blog is my memory bank. This blog is for me. This blog is mine. Just posted publicly for anyone to see. =)

Leaving Behind

Patpat brought home lots of chocolates when she and Jazzim came back from Surigao. This is my share of the loot. :)

Patpat got accepted for a job as legal field officer at UN-CHR in Davao City so she'll be transferring residences for a while. I admire her courage to face panel interviews. I pity her for having to leave her family in Marawi though. I hope all goes well with her young family, separation and all.

New Banner

Took me literally hours to decide, finish and change my blog's header image. Shouldn't happen in a few years so the neck cramp should be worth it. It's been days since I last sat in front of my laptop, hence the cramp.

Sick Again

I'm sick again. Sigh. I need to maintain a healthy diet and drink vitamins. One bout of sore throat can already down me.

I won't be going to class tomorrow, so that at least is the good side of getting sick.

Still Afraid

I was informed of a case, and my heart started to beat so fast I almost lost my breath.

Seems I really am that afraid of taking on cases and going to trial. ;'( I pity my family and the people who still expect me to do better.

I wish for things better. I just don't have the courage the take the initial step forward.

My God. I am a lost cause.

Totally Stuck

Why am I stuck? Have I no ambition? Am I going to be forever satisfied with today? Will I ever worry about tomorrow and strive to make something out of today?

I don't know. Honestly, I don't know.

I am happy with today. But I fear that I am letting the people around me down. They might be expecting something out of me. And I don't think I can deliver.

I am sorry. (in a Gloria M. tone) :)

I don't know what I am doing with my life and what I am supposed to do with it. My God, as always, I am lost.

Sometimes I just want to fade into oblivion and be forgotten. :(

But I know that my family expect more.

(Sigh) I am disappointing them again.

Why?

Why? Are beginnings too late? Have I procrastinated too much? Played too much? Wasted too much?

I feel a lingering pain for what-might-have-been's. I have but little hope for bliss.

Can't I have another chance? Just one chance, and a sign, a sign that I can then let go of the baggage of the past and embrace a future, a tomorrow worth the pain of the yesterday.

I wish. ;'(

Sometimes

Sometimes I wish people around me loved each other as much as I'd like them to.

Sometimes I wish I had a perfect family.

Sometimes I wish the drive to get rich did not control some of the people around me.

Sometimes I wish money was never prioritized over family.

Sometimes I wish the world was perfect.

Sometimes I just wish...

Peace of Mind, Where Art Thou

I woke up very early today with my aunt's knock on the door. She was here to check whether I'd said yes to a certain proposal already.

When I was going down for lunch, a relative was waiting for me downstairs, with her Avon/tupperware catalogues.

Now my eyes are tired and my stomach parasites are on strike.

I Am Turtle

Why do I feel hurried these days? Why does it feel like I need to hurry fate before it leaves me wanting? Why have I become desperate, yet again?

I guess it's a mixture of being reminded by my aunt that I am getting old, and that I am old. :-) and the fact that I don't have career options because I satisfied myself with being stuck worthless in fear. :-)

Yes, I'm waiting for someone to guide me. Because just as always, I don't have a mind of my own. Just as always, when I am alone, I am lost.

But do I really need to hurry?

Certain Kind of Something

It's strange how even our own relatives see us, the half-maranaos, as the lesser kind. Of course they wouldn't say it to our faces, but the discrimination can still be gauged through the words spoken.

I am used to an aunt's bias, as it has gone on for years, how can I not be immune to it already. But still there are times when I want to shout out to the world (maybe just to myself) and release this frustration.

Okay, so a lady lawyer who is only half-maranao, is fit to be married to a certain something (and she should be thankful for it), and a full-maranao is fit for a certain something of a top rank qualification (and the other party should be thankful for it).

The gall.

I am not looking for a high dowry, because dowries disappear after the wedding. I never asked for a bongga wedding (I often wished for a romantic secret wedding). But because I am the maldita niece, they can easily put nasty words in my mouth and everyone else would believe them.

I am not something to be bought by a promise of high dowry. And it pisses me off when I'm made to look like the materialistic bitch that I am not. I am materialistic, no doubt (give me a ton of gadgets and I'd propose the next day), but I am not the kind to accept skyrocketed dowry in order to augment some things missing.

I want stability. I want acceptance. I want loyalty. I want respect. I want love.

I don't want weddings. I don't want pain. I don't want suffering.

I don't want my child to experience any inch of discrimination the way I did.

I want to give my child a better future, if not the best, or give her no future at all.

Sadness Personified v.2

Sometimes I want to have something that I oftentimes before took for granted. Life does have its way of turning wheels around.

I have made mistakes in the past, numerous mistakes that I wish could be erased and retracted.

Haste, immaturity and acute disregard of the future may have been the reasons.

I have left paths undiscovered, paths that I should have gone on.

Fear and utter disregard of the future may have been the reasons.

Now that I am in that future that I often disregarded, the past is slowly creeping up on me.

I don't want to spend my days in deep sighs over opportunities forgotten. But there are nights when I can't help but be sad over happiness that I never found, just because I was stupid enough to disregard my future bliss.

I feel sad tonight. And this sadness is a decade's worth of sadness long worked on. :'(

Can a day wipe out a decade's worth of sorrow?

Sadness Personified

I've been feeling really down lately, emotionally at my lowest low because of a few things combined.

I can't seem to decide where my depression directly seeps from. Maybe because I feel sad that I have no one to confide heartaches to. Seriously. :) I feel so alone that I tend to talk to myself online, and in effect divulge more than I should.

I feel alone. And my finding solace online can only be detrimental.

One of these days I will be able to forget. I will be able to cope. I will stop whining. I will stop posting.

Someday. Just not now.

It's heartbreak all over again.

I saw a picture of a happy couple with a preggy wifey and my mood shifted to the lowest level of sadness. I can't get their smiles out of my head. I can feel self-pity sneeking up on me. Great. Again I'm reminded of the past. I'm reminded of the pain and the disappointment.

It's funny how a person can get stuck in the heart. No matter how much time has passed, how many other persons have occupied the same space emptied, there is always that void that stays. There is always that same someone, staying stuck in the heart and in the mind.

I wonder what makes someone that special or just that different enough. Level of pain experienced? Extent of happiness shared? Amount of broken dreams?

I don't know.

I've often wondered, what made him different from the rest? He wasn't my longest relationship. He wasn't my extreme pain. He wasn't my deepest happiness. He wasn't my first. He wasn't my last.

But he was the reason I took up law. And he was my longest pain. Maybe those are the reasons why he became my recurring heartache, even years later.

I don't know.

Maybe.

posted from Bloggeroid

I love the rain and the cold weather that the bagyo is bringing, except that my nephew peed on my bed last night and I can't lay the foam out to dry. Smell is lovely, too, the rain not the pee.

posted from Bloggeroid

Starlight Star Bright

I wish he gets the job. I wish my brother's business booms. I wish papa goes home safe. I wish mama comes home every once in a while. I wish my sister in law passes the 2012 bar. I wish my other sister in law finds her proper spot in the business. I wish my other brother finds a good job. I wish my other brother gets accepted in a good college course. I wish my nephews and niece grow to be better persons. I wish my sister gets her good health back. I wish my brother in law gets the promotion he's been working for. I wish I get a permanent and good-paying job.

Is it time for wishes?

posted from Bloggeroid