Crying Inside

I'm sick. It's Niyata, and I want to be home in Marawi City. But unless I resign, I cannot absent myself from work because of too much pressing needs for the Ramadhan 2012 activities. I feel like crying. My nose is stuffed. My body feels heavy. I absof'ckinlutely feel sick.

I pity myself.

A Date I Need

It's less than a week until Ramadhan. Maybe it's high time for me to draft a change in me, in a spiritual kind of shift. I need to find guidance. I need to find myself and I need to know where I should be going. I need a date with Fate. Maybe Fate has forgotten that I exist and that I need intricate planning and massive help. Maybe I need to remind Fate that I am lost, old and lost, definitely unguided and lost, simply lost.

Excuses and Lots of Them

There are moments (lots of them) when I fear change, and yet there are moments when I look and hope for change. This is of the latter kind.

If I don't start treading on the path that I am "supposed" and "expected" to go, when will I? I fear that with the time I'm staying on this career path, I will slowly lose my "future".

I want to punish myself for being this afraid, this shallow, this uncertain.

When will I learn to accept that I am my own captain, that I control what my future will be, and that the more I stay on this path, the more I'm losing myself, my education, my brain.

I take for granted what others covet. I disregard a choice that many would love to have. As friends had asked me, "Bakit ka pa pumasa ng Bar Exam gayong wala ka namang planong maging Lawyer?" True. I am wasting a four-letter word. I am slowly wasting.

I am afraid of taking a single step away from where I am. I am afraid of leaking out of my current comfort zone. I have a lot of excuses, when I should be handing out application letters or talking to the "right people" for a "career change". I haven't done what I should have done. I haven't tried when I should have at least tried. I fear for my inadequacies, I stray from my own expectations.

My family is frustrated, the people around me remain baffled.

Ah, Change, please, force yourself into my life.