Why?

Why? Are beginnings too late? Have I procrastinated too much? Played too much? Wasted too much?

I feel a lingering pain for what-might-have-been's. I have but little hope for bliss.

Can't I have another chance? Just one chance, and a sign, a sign that I can then let go of the baggage of the past and embrace a future, a tomorrow worth the pain of the yesterday.

I wish. ;'(

Sometimes

Sometimes I wish people around me loved each other as much as I'd like them to.

Sometimes I wish I had a perfect family.

Sometimes I wish the drive to get rich did not control some of the people around me.

Sometimes I wish money was never prioritized over family.

Sometimes I wish the world was perfect.

Sometimes I just wish...

Peace of Mind, Where Art Thou

I woke up very early today with my aunt's knock on the door. She was here to check whether I'd said yes to a certain proposal already.

When I was going down for lunch, a relative was waiting for me downstairs, with her Avon/tupperware catalogues.

Now my eyes are tired and my stomach parasites are on strike.

I Am Turtle

Why do I feel hurried these days? Why does it feel like I need to hurry fate before it leaves me wanting? Why have I become desperate, yet again?

I guess it's a mixture of being reminded by my aunt that I am getting old, and that I am old. :-) and the fact that I don't have career options because I satisfied myself with being stuck worthless in fear. :-)

Yes, I'm waiting for someone to guide me. Because just as always, I don't have a mind of my own. Just as always, when I am alone, I am lost.

But do I really need to hurry?

Certain Kind of Something

It's strange how even our own relatives see us, the half-maranaos, as the lesser kind. Of course they wouldn't say it to our faces, but the discrimination can still be gauged through the words spoken.

I am used to an aunt's bias, as it has gone on for years, how can I not be immune to it already. But still there are times when I want to shout out to the world (maybe just to myself) and release this frustration.

Okay, so a lady lawyer who is only half-maranao, is fit to be married to a certain something (and she should be thankful for it), and a full-maranao is fit for a certain something of a top rank qualification (and the other party should be thankful for it).

The gall.

I am not looking for a high dowry, because dowries disappear after the wedding. I never asked for a bongga wedding (I often wished for a romantic secret wedding). But because I am the maldita niece, they can easily put nasty words in my mouth and everyone else would believe them.

I am not something to be bought by a promise of high dowry. And it pisses me off when I'm made to look like the materialistic bitch that I am not. I am materialistic, no doubt (give me a ton of gadgets and I'd propose the next day), but I am not the kind to accept skyrocketed dowry in order to augment some things missing.

I want stability. I want acceptance. I want loyalty. I want respect. I want love.

I don't want weddings. I don't want pain. I don't want suffering.

I don't want my child to experience any inch of discrimination the way I did.

I want to give my child a better future, if not the best, or give her no future at all.

Sadness Personified v.2

Sometimes I want to have something that I oftentimes before took for granted. Life does have its way of turning wheels around.

I have made mistakes in the past, numerous mistakes that I wish could be erased and retracted.

Haste, immaturity and acute disregard of the future may have been the reasons.

I have left paths undiscovered, paths that I should have gone on.

Fear and utter disregard of the future may have been the reasons.

Now that I am in that future that I often disregarded, the past is slowly creeping up on me.

I don't want to spend my days in deep sighs over opportunities forgotten. But there are nights when I can't help but be sad over happiness that I never found, just because I was stupid enough to disregard my future bliss.

I feel sad tonight. And this sadness is a decade's worth of sadness long worked on. :'(

Can a day wipe out a decade's worth of sorrow?

Sadness Personified

I've been feeling really down lately, emotionally at my lowest low because of a few things combined.

I can't seem to decide where my depression directly seeps from. Maybe because I feel sad that I have no one to confide heartaches to. Seriously. :) I feel so alone that I tend to talk to myself online, and in effect divulge more than I should.

I feel alone. And my finding solace online can only be detrimental.

One of these days I will be able to forget. I will be able to cope. I will stop whining. I will stop posting.

Someday. Just not now.