It started with boredom. Heartbreaks paved the way. And the end? The end is still under process. The end is yet to come.
I am Analia. This is my story. This is my life. This is my life's story.
(Aa)
Ever wondered why sometimes a heart could stay broken for too long? I did. I still often do.
What makes a past stay in the present for too long, even after the wounds have all seemed to have healed? I gather it is due to the pain suffered for too long in the past, the present just cannot adjust to the change, to the lack of sorrow, to the lack of whatever was there in the past.
I hurt. I hurt a lot. I cannot trace the beginning of all the pain that I allowed myself to feel. These days, I continuously hurt. It is as if without the hurt, I would no longer be able to tell whether I can still love.
When did I start to equate hurt with love? When did feeling wretched turn into feeling love?
I cannot even start to convince myself that I do not need to cry. I fear that if I stop crying, it will mean I have stopped caring.
These days I cry a lot. And I have foolishly made myself believe that this is the best way of loving.
Oh, stupid me. Stupid stupid me.
(Aa)
Sometimes it only takes a little prick to the pride to open up the floodgates of pain.
Sometimes it takes just a tiny bit of paranoia to bring about hurt unneeded.
Why do we constantly over-think and over analyze every minute detail of nonchalance and end up getting hurt every time?
Why is it so easy to believe that some people just does not care?
Why do we welcome heartbreak that easily?
(Aa)
I have a habit of putting meaning into the meaningless and the pointless, and it constantly drives me to places I do not want to be in.
I often misinterpret situations. I often misconstrue words. I often hurt myself by deliberately putting negative meaning into innocent actions. I often misguide myself with a lot of false hope, too.
(Aa)
We all get lonely sometimes. But I get lonely all the time. Loneliness is a self-imposed condition, brought about by my incessant addiction to love.
There has to be a cure to being addicted to love. There has to be a way to un-love love. Loving love is loving self-destruction. And sometimes I do not want to self-destruct anymore. Sometimes I just want to love myself.
The question of WHEN I will be able to love myself has been bugging me for a long time. I cannot seem to love myself anymore, instead I wait for other people to love me.
Loving myself should be an option, it should be my only option these days. But when did I ever follow my own advice. When did I ever love me?
(Aa)
When there is a strong itch to nag, how do you stop the nagging from coming out?
We all know what most men want, still, we are oftentimes unable to give them that peace of mind that they crave for.
Maybe it has something to do with how most of the time we create our own demons, we prevent our own peace of mind. For how are we supposed to give something that we do not have?
With a mind as hyperactive as mine, peace of mind is an impossibility, it is a rarity, it is something that I long for and is very much unachievable.
How can I attain holistic peace? What answers do I need to find? What questions do I need to ask?
Oh, Peace, when will I be whole again?
(Aa)
How do we stop foolishness from taking over our lives? Even when we know that it is time to stop, why is it so hard to do so?
I live a life evolving around square one. No matter what I do or how I move on, I always end up on square one - alone and unwanted.
Why does it feel like I am the only lost person existing? What did I do to deserve this?
(Aa)
Sometimes when it is already hard to let go, fate plays its irony by making the other party want to not let go.
(Aa)
Why does it seem easy to stay inside a love not meant to last? Why can't self preservation be enough to counter stupid love?
Even when we know that loving will eventually get us into trouble, we still pursue it. Is this the extent of our existence? To knowingly dig our own graves and revel in it?
(Aa)
When we dial an ex's number, why does the sound of the continuous unanswered ring on the other side feel like a shot to the heart?
Sometimes I wish there is a way to exchange hearts so that the other person can feel what it feels like to have the heart broken over and over again.
It is never easy to love, and it is even harder to hurt. So why do we still love even when it already hurts?
(Aa)
Why does the sound of the rain make one sad? Why does gloomy weather lead to a sad mood? I reckon it has something to do with the monotonous sound of raindrops falling on the roof, or the darker surrounding, making it feel like nighttime -- the usual time for hugging and basically being with loved ones.
I miss you. My heart is craving for you. My eyes are looking for you. My hands are longing for you. My whole body is hungry for you.
I guess I should blame it on the rain.
(Aa)
How will the heart know that it is done with hurting? Is there a sign that the heart has had enough of pain? How will the heart know that it can love again?
When it is time to love again, how will we know that the heart is ready?
Sometimes loving is equated with pain that the line between loving and hurting becomes blurry, and the pain seems never ending. The heart cannot seem to feel happiness anymore. It becomes numb.
Is there a way to love in an un-passionate way? To feel love and not hurt at all? To know that love is there and be very sure that it exists?
How is love measured anyway?
💔