It's heartbreak all over again.

I saw a picture of a happy couple with a preggy wifey and my mood shifted to the lowest level of sadness. I can't get their smiles out of my head. I can feel self-pity sneeking up on me. Great. Again I'm reminded of the past. I'm reminded of the pain and the disappointment.

It's funny how a person can get stuck in the heart. No matter how much time has passed, how many other persons have occupied the same space emptied, there is always that void that stays. There is always that same someone, staying stuck in the heart and in the mind.

I wonder what makes someone that special or just that different enough. Level of pain experienced? Extent of happiness shared? Amount of broken dreams?

I don't know.

I've often wondered, what made him different from the rest? He wasn't my longest relationship. He wasn't my extreme pain. He wasn't my deepest happiness. He wasn't my first. He wasn't my last.

But he was the reason I took up law. And he was my longest pain. Maybe those are the reasons why he became my recurring heartache, even years later.

I don't know.

Maybe.

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I love the rain and the cold weather that the bagyo is bringing, except that my nephew peed on my bed last night and I can't lay the foam out to dry. Smell is lovely, too, the rain not the pee.

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Starlight Star Bright

I wish he gets the job. I wish my brother's business booms. I wish papa goes home safe. I wish mama comes home every once in a while. I wish my sister in law passes the 2012 bar. I wish my other sister in law finds her proper spot in the business. I wish my other brother finds a good job. I wish my other brother gets accepted in a good college course. I wish my nephews and niece grow to be better persons. I wish my sister gets her good health back. I wish my brother in law gets the promotion he's been working for. I wish I get a permanent and good-paying job.

Is it time for wishes?

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Hajj 2012

Papa arrived safely in Mecca today. Alhamdulillah. I hope he takes good care of his health and prays that I find a good man at last (haha). I hope he comes back home safe.

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Constantly Waiting

I have said no to jobs offered. I have declined help extended. Just because I have a specific career path in mind. Because I fear I am inadequate to handle any job other than what I have in mind.

What am I doing? There might come a time when no one would extend help and guidance anymore because I often said no.

Today, I let someone know that I would not follow his recommendation to teach accounting subjects. I felt like I would do a bad job because I didn't have enough accounting background. Although my highest score in the bar was in Taxation Law, I knew that I would do a bad job should I teach Tax 1 to accounting students. Although my second highest score in the bar was in Commercial Laws, I would not be qualified to teach Business Law 1 to accounting students. The teaching approach would be different, students would learn almost nothing from me. I'd be a so-so teacher.

N.B. Although I wanted to be an accountant back in high school, I took Civil Engineering in college. I only had Math 17, 41, 61 and 81 in college, and no accounting subject.

Although it would be great to add a regular faculty's salary to my dwindling atm, I chose not to pursue the path.

I am waiting for a job that will be a no-brainer.

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Another One Of Those Cousins

CONGRATULATIONS TO ABDULLAH "BONG" FOR PASSING THE CPA BOARD EXAMINATION GIVEN THIS MONTH. I am a proud first cousin. No doubt, "It's in the genes, pare." :-)

I should post a summmary of my short stint at DOT-ARMM. One of these days I should.

Can I make a prayer? Not this year, please? The timing would suck and I wouldn't be able to afford it. I know that it's high time for it to happen, for change to come, but please, not this year. Not when I've much to lose. Please? PLEASE, ya Allah.

Class Schedule for Next Semester

Election Laws
   Fri/Sat 5-6 pm

Public Corporation
   Fri/Sat 3-4 pm

Legal Ethics
   Wed 5-6 pm
   Sat 4-5 pm

*first time to teach law. excited much?*

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So it's final. I am resigning. :(

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Resignation

So papa has decided to have me resign from DOT-ARMM. I'm soon to be part of the unemployed statistics. I don't know what to feel. I've long wanted to go home and stay in Marawi for good. But will resigning by the end of the month be good for me?

Do I have career options?

I want to teach at MSU College of Law.

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I'm supposed to contact Atty. Moslem, but I can't find the courage. What do I say?

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Shall I promise to myself that this is going to be my last online purchase this month? I wish I could keep my promises. This attitude is going to be the death of me. Or the death of my wallet. Grrrrrr...

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Confused Not

I'm about to make a decision that I might regret later. Who's going to stop me? I certainly can't stop myself :(  This is the bad side of having too much idle time. Likewise the bad side of days after payday, da palm itches.

Now I'm asking myself if I am making the right decision. As if the thought that I am making a mistake is able to change my mind. Though I'm confused, I know what the end result will be.

Such a hardhead.

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Not Meant To Be

Some things are meant to be, some things are just not meant to be.

Lately, I'd been feeling like I didn't deserve to have passed the bar, that the title was lost on me, in fact I imagined being capable of selling it to the highest bidder if only that was allowed by the Supreme Court. Sayang lang ang pagiging lawyer ko, I hadn't made good use of it some say. But passing the bar on my first take was meant to be, for my parents, so it had to happen, thank God.

But you and me, "we", are part of the just-not-meant-to-be's. You are not my "destine aken", :-) for fate itself seems to be saying so. It is a blessing to know this early. Although it feels frustrating to feel this lost, some day I will learn to accept things that I cannot change. :-)

Yesterday, my mind was filled with questions. Why? Why not? What happened? But if there's one thing that I'm sure of, it is the change that I feel inside me. I feel like I've changed enough for something better. And I guess that change was meant to happen, sooner or later.

"You and me" is a lost cause. Learn to accept that. Same as my winning the Lotto jackpot, some things are just not meant to be.

One of Those Cousins

Congratulations to SALAHUDDIN for passing the 2012 Nursing Licensure Exam given on July 2012. I am a proud first cousin. :-)

Atten.hut!

Fertilizing the road less traveled from Cotabato City to Marawi City.

Isn't it unfair how men are able to pee anywhere but women are not, how women have to endure more than men?

Pass the RH bill! (haha. no connect.)

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Goodbye Ramadhan

So today's the last day of Ramadhan.

I had a hard time surviving days of fasting, partly because I was away from home, and partly because of weak health.

There was abnormal spurt of work at the office, too, because the office spearheaded/oversaw the month-long activities at the ARMM compound. During the latter part of the month, I had a hard time in finding joy in the late nights and overtime. Maybe because I was missing home a little too much.

Suhor and iftar in Cotabato City were different than what I was used to at home in Marawi City. I self-pitied a few times while eating as I would compare the food, the time of eating, and the companions.

At home, at 5:30 pm, the table would already be laid out with food, sometimes humble, sometimes aplenty. My siblings and I would then be already seated at the round table, gamely waiting for the call of prayer.

In Cotabato City, we could not even hear the call of prayer at the dining table area. The rice would be cooked after the call of prayer because my housemates usually eat dinner after 7pm, usually at 8pm. They break the fast usually with lugaw or bread. I was used to breaking the fast with a full dinner.

I am not going to miss the late nights either. More often, we had to stay at the Ramadhan trade fair almost until midnight, with nothing to do but wait. All part of the job.

So as I say goodbye to Ramadhan, I say goodbye to late nights and self-pity. Although I have learned to love this job and the people that I work with, it feels good to say goodbye to certain aspects of my experiences.

Goodbye, Ramadhan, and I hope to experience you again next year. Thank you for making me remember yet again the value of family and religion.

Happy eid!

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Satisfaction

You blow my mind with your experience. You seem to have gone through every dream, fantasy and nightmare that I had. As to how these will affect the future, that's what scares me. I have an inkling that these will not be to anyone else's benefit but yours.

Fear boxes me in. And I want it to remain that way. I want to stay within the limits that I forced myself with. It is tempting to break free, yes, but it could only be detrimental to me if I do so these days.

I often imagine how it would be. But as with a few things in life, some thoughts are best left to the imagination and left unrealized.

Yes, things are better this way. The future can only be more secure this way.

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And The Point Is

I like where this is going. The way things are, what do I need that thing that I've been craving for weeks for? Things are going just as smooth as they should, this-thing-wise, I guess.

So my weird therapy may continue. Thanks to a little googling.

Now if only I can find an alternative for that thing that they call instant.

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