Sometimes I wish people around me loved each other as much as I'd like them to.
Sometimes I wish I had a perfect family.
Sometimes I wish the drive to get rich did not control some of the people around me.
Sometimes I wish money was never prioritized over family.
Sometimes I wish the world was perfect.
Sometimes I just wish...
Sunday, January 27, 2013
Peace of Mind, Where Art Thou
I woke up very early today with my aunt's knock on the door. She was here to check whether I'd said yes to a certain proposal already.
When I was going down for lunch, a relative was waiting for me downstairs, with her Avon/tupperware catalogues.
Now my eyes are tired and my stomach parasites are on strike.
When I was going down for lunch, a relative was waiting for me downstairs, with her Avon/tupperware catalogues.
Now my eyes are tired and my stomach parasites are on strike.
I Am Turtle
Why do I feel hurried these days? Why does it feel like I need to hurry fate before it leaves me wanting? Why have I become desperate, yet again?
I guess it's a mixture of being reminded by my aunt that I am getting old, and that I am old. :-) and the fact that I don't have career options because I satisfied myself with being stuck worthless in fear. :-)
Yes, I'm waiting for someone to guide me. Because just as always, I don't have a mind of my own. Just as always, when I am alone, I am lost.
But do I really need to hurry?
I guess it's a mixture of being reminded by my aunt that I am getting old, and that I am old. :-) and the fact that I don't have career options because I satisfied myself with being stuck worthless in fear. :-)
Yes, I'm waiting for someone to guide me. Because just as always, I don't have a mind of my own. Just as always, when I am alone, I am lost.
But do I really need to hurry?
Certain Kind of Something
It's strange how even our own relatives see us, the half-maranaos, as the lesser kind. Of course they wouldn't say it to our faces, but the discrimination can still be gauged through the words spoken.
I am used to an aunt's bias, as it has gone on for years, how can I not be immune to it already. But still there are times when I want to shout out to the world (maybe just to myself) and release this frustration.
Okay, so a lady lawyer who is only half-maranao, is fit to be married to a certain something (and she should be thankful for it), and a full-maranao is fit for a certain something of a top rank qualification (and the other party should be thankful for it).
The gall.
I am not looking for a high dowry, because dowries disappear after the wedding. I never asked for a bongga wedding (I often wished for a romantic secret wedding). But because I am the maldita niece, they can easily put nasty words in my mouth and everyone else would believe them.
I am not something to be bought by a promise of high dowry. And it pisses me off when I'm made to look like the materialistic bitch that I am not. I am materialistic, no doubt (give me a ton of gadgets and I'd propose the next day), but I am not the kind to accept skyrocketed dowry in order to augment some things missing.
I want stability. I want acceptance. I want loyalty. I want respect. I want love.
I don't want weddings. I don't want pain. I don't want suffering.
I don't want my child to experience any inch of discrimination the way I did.
I want to give my child a better future, if not the best, or give her no future at all.
I am used to an aunt's bias, as it has gone on for years, how can I not be immune to it already. But still there are times when I want to shout out to the world (maybe just to myself) and release this frustration.
Okay, so a lady lawyer who is only half-maranao, is fit to be married to a certain something (and she should be thankful for it), and a full-maranao is fit for a certain something of a top rank qualification (and the other party should be thankful for it).
The gall.
I am not looking for a high dowry, because dowries disappear after the wedding. I never asked for a bongga wedding (I often wished for a romantic secret wedding). But because I am the maldita niece, they can easily put nasty words in my mouth and everyone else would believe them.
I am not something to be bought by a promise of high dowry. And it pisses me off when I'm made to look like the materialistic bitch that I am not. I am materialistic, no doubt (give me a ton of gadgets and I'd propose the next day), but I am not the kind to accept skyrocketed dowry in order to augment some things missing.
I want stability. I want acceptance. I want loyalty. I want respect. I want love.
I don't want weddings. I don't want pain. I don't want suffering.
I don't want my child to experience any inch of discrimination the way I did.
I want to give my child a better future, if not the best, or give her no future at all.
Sadness Personified v.2
Sometimes I want to have something that I oftentimes before took for granted. Life does have its way of turning wheels around.
I have made mistakes in the past, numerous mistakes that I wish could be erased and retracted.
Haste, immaturity and acute disregard of the future may have been the reasons.
I have left paths undiscovered, paths that I should have gone on.
Fear and utter disregard of the future may have been the reasons.
Now that I am in that future that I often disregarded, the past is slowly creeping up on me.
I don't want to spend my days in deep sighs over opportunities forgotten. But there are nights when I can't help but be sad over happiness that I never found, just because I was stupid enough to disregard my future bliss.
I feel sad tonight. And this sadness is a decade's worth of sadness long worked on. :'(
Can a day wipe out a decade's worth of sorrow?
I have made mistakes in the past, numerous mistakes that I wish could be erased and retracted.
Haste, immaturity and acute disregard of the future may have been the reasons.
I have left paths undiscovered, paths that I should have gone on.
Fear and utter disregard of the future may have been the reasons.
Now that I am in that future that I often disregarded, the past is slowly creeping up on me.
I don't want to spend my days in deep sighs over opportunities forgotten. But there are nights when I can't help but be sad over happiness that I never found, just because I was stupid enough to disregard my future bliss.
I feel sad tonight. And this sadness is a decade's worth of sadness long worked on. :'(
Can a day wipe out a decade's worth of sorrow?
Sadness Personified
I've been feeling really down lately, emotionally at my lowest low because of a few things combined.
I can't seem to decide where my depression directly seeps from. Maybe because I feel sad that I have no one to confide heartaches to. Seriously. :) I feel so alone that I tend to talk to myself online, and in effect divulge more than I should.
I feel alone. And my finding solace online can only be detrimental.
One of these days I will be able to forget. I will be able to cope. I will stop whining. I will stop posting.
Someday. Just not now.
I can't seem to decide where my depression directly seeps from. Maybe because I feel sad that I have no one to confide heartaches to. Seriously. :) I feel so alone that I tend to talk to myself online, and in effect divulge more than I should.
I feel alone. And my finding solace online can only be detrimental.
One of these days I will be able to forget. I will be able to cope. I will stop whining. I will stop posting.
Someday. Just not now.
Thursday, November 1, 2012
It's heartbreak all over again.
I saw a picture of a happy couple with a preggy wifey and my mood shifted to the lowest level of sadness. I can't get their smiles out of my head. I can feel self-pity sneeking up on me. Great. Again I'm reminded of the past. I'm reminded of the pain and the disappointment.
It's funny how a person can get stuck in the heart. No matter how much time has passed, how many other persons have occupied the same space emptied, there is always that void that stays. There is always that same someone, staying stuck in the heart and in the mind.
I wonder what makes someone that special or just that different enough. Level of pain experienced? Extent of happiness shared? Amount of broken dreams?
I don't know.
I've often wondered, what made him different from the rest? He wasn't my longest relationship. He wasn't my extreme pain. He wasn't my deepest happiness. He wasn't my first. He wasn't my last.
But he was the reason I took up law. And he was my longest pain. Maybe those are the reasons why he became my recurring heartache, even years later.
I don't know.
Maybe.
I saw a picture of a happy couple with a preggy wifey and my mood shifted to the lowest level of sadness. I can't get their smiles out of my head. I can feel self-pity sneeking up on me. Great. Again I'm reminded of the past. I'm reminded of the pain and the disappointment.
It's funny how a person can get stuck in the heart. No matter how much time has passed, how many other persons have occupied the same space emptied, there is always that void that stays. There is always that same someone, staying stuck in the heart and in the mind.
I wonder what makes someone that special or just that different enough. Level of pain experienced? Extent of happiness shared? Amount of broken dreams?
I don't know.
I've often wondered, what made him different from the rest? He wasn't my longest relationship. He wasn't my extreme pain. He wasn't my deepest happiness. He wasn't my first. He wasn't my last.
But he was the reason I took up law. And he was my longest pain. Maybe those are the reasons why he became my recurring heartache, even years later.
I don't know.
Maybe.
posted from Bloggeroid
Thursday, October 25, 2012
I love the rain and the cold weather that the bagyo is bringing, except that my nephew peed on my bed last night and I can't lay the foam out to dry. Smell is lovely, too, the rain not the pee.
posted from Bloggeroid
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
Starlight Star Bright
I wish he gets the job. I wish my brother's business booms. I wish papa goes home safe. I wish mama comes home every once in a while. I wish my sister in law passes the 2012 bar. I wish my other sister in law finds her proper spot in the business. I wish my other brother finds a good job. I wish my other brother gets accepted in a good college course. I wish my nephews and niece grow to be better persons. I wish my sister gets her good health back. I wish my brother in law gets the promotion he's been working for. I wish I get a permanent and good-paying job.
Is it time for wishes?
Is it time for wishes?
posted from Bloggeroid
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
Hajj 2012
Papa arrived safely in Mecca today. Alhamdulillah. I hope he takes good care of his health and prays that I find a good man at last (haha). I hope he comes back home safe.
posted from Bloggeroid
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
Constantly Waiting
I have said no to jobs offered. I have declined help extended. Just because I have a specific career path in mind. Because I fear I am inadequate to handle any job other than what I have in mind.
What am I doing? There might come a time when no one would extend help and guidance anymore because I often said no.
Today, I let someone know that I would not follow his recommendation to teach accounting subjects. I felt like I would do a bad job because I didn't have enough accounting background. Although my highest score in the bar was in Taxation Law, I knew that I would do a bad job should I teach Tax 1 to accounting students. Although my second highest score in the bar was in Commercial Laws, I would not be qualified to teach Business Law 1 to accounting students. The teaching approach would be different, students would learn almost nothing from me. I'd be a so-so teacher.
N.B. Although I wanted to be an accountant back in high school, I took Civil Engineering in college. I only had Math 17, 41, 61 and 81 in college, and no accounting subject.
Although it would be great to add a regular faculty's salary to my dwindling atm, I chose not to pursue the path.
I am waiting for a job that will be a no-brainer.
What am I doing? There might come a time when no one would extend help and guidance anymore because I often said no.
Today, I let someone know that I would not follow his recommendation to teach accounting subjects. I felt like I would do a bad job because I didn't have enough accounting background. Although my highest score in the bar was in Taxation Law, I knew that I would do a bad job should I teach Tax 1 to accounting students. Although my second highest score in the bar was in Commercial Laws, I would not be qualified to teach Business Law 1 to accounting students. The teaching approach would be different, students would learn almost nothing from me. I'd be a so-so teacher.
N.B. Although I wanted to be an accountant back in high school, I took Civil Engineering in college. I only had Math 17, 41, 61 and 81 in college, and no accounting subject.
Although it would be great to add a regular faculty's salary to my dwindling atm, I chose not to pursue the path.
I am waiting for a job that will be a no-brainer.
posted from Bloggeroid
Monday, October 15, 2012
Another One Of Those Cousins
CONGRATULATIONS TO ABDULLAH "BONG" FOR PASSING THE CPA BOARD EXAMINATION GIVEN THIS MONTH. I am a proud first cousin. No doubt, "It's in the genes, pare." :-)
Saturday, October 13, 2012
Thursday, October 4, 2012
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
Class Schedule for Next Semester
Election Laws
Fri/Sat 5-6 pm
Public Corporation
Fri/Sat 3-4 pm
Legal Ethics
Wed 5-6 pm
Sat 4-5 pm
*first time to teach law. excited much?*
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Wednesday, September 12, 2012
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
Resignation
So papa has decided to have me resign from DOT-ARMM. I'm soon to be part of the unemployed statistics. I don't know what to feel. I've long wanted to go home and stay in Marawi for good. But will resigning by the end of the month be good for me?
Do I have career options?
I want to teach at MSU College of Law.
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Sunday, September 9, 2012
Monday, September 3, 2012
Confused Not
I'm about to make a decision that I might regret later. Who's going to stop me? I certainly can't stop myself :( This is the bad side of having too much idle time. Likewise the bad side of days after payday, da palm itches.
Now I'm asking myself if I am making the right decision. As if the thought that I am making a mistake is able to change my mind. Though I'm confused, I know what the end result will be.
Such a hardhead.
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