Missing/Inaction

I have been wondering whether to continue this blog or not. I avoid public fora these days. After deactivating my Facebook account for almost 2 years, I am now used to not hearing about the world outside the comforts of my room. I still can't call this life private in its strict sense, but I kind of enjoy the peacefulness of not knowing about other people's stories (problems!) anymore. But I guess I am missing that chattery part of me, hence this post.

I guess the whole point of this post is that I miss my old self.

Life sucks, but it does because we allow it to.

It has been a long time since I opened this blog. I avoided writing in hopes of avoiding self-reflection which eventually always always ALWAYS leads to depression. But with the mess that I am making out of my current job, I think it is high time to visit depression and move on from this shithole that I have made out of my life.

I need change. Yet again.

The Ring

Sometimes letting go seems to be the better option.

Cold Weather

It has been too cold lately, to the point where I have to heat bath water with the stove, and I can barely feel my fingers and toes at times. It is that freezing cold.

I cannot help but feel sad in this weather. There is nothing like the howl of the wind to tell me that I am perfectly aching inside. The roaring whispers of the trees is a gentle  reminder that I am lost. The loud patter of raindrops seeps through to my loneliness.

I miss the sun. I miss friendships lost. I miss times gone. I miss happiness. I miss  love.

If this weather continues for days and days, I fear a visit from my old friend depression. So, please, sun, show yourself to me soon. I am slowly hating the rain, and this should not be so.

WattPad Questions

It started with boredom. Heartbreaks paved the way. And the end? The end is still under process. The end is yet to come.

I am Analia. This is my story. This is my life. This is my life's story.

(Aa)

Ever wondered why sometimes a heart could stay broken for too long? I did. I still often do.

What makes a past stay in the present for too long, even after the wounds have all seemed to have healed? I gather it is due to the pain suffered for too long in the past, the present just cannot adjust to the change, to the lack of sorrow, to the lack of whatever was there in the past.

I hurt. I hurt a lot. I cannot trace the beginning of all the pain that I allowed myself to feel. These days, I continuously hurt. It is as if without the hurt, I would no longer be able to tell whether I can still love.

When did I start to equate hurt with love? When did feeling wretched turn into feeling love?

I cannot even start to convince myself that I do not need to cry. I fear that if I stop crying, it will mean I have stopped caring.

These days I cry a lot. And I have foolishly made myself believe that this is the best way of loving.

Oh, stupid me. Stupid stupid me.

(Aa)

Sometimes it only takes a little prick to the pride to open up the floodgates of pain. 

Sometimes it takes just a tiny bit of paranoia to bring about hurt unneeded. 

Why do we constantly over-think and over analyze every minute detail of nonchalance and end up getting hurt every time?

Why is it so easy to believe that some people just does not care?

Why do we welcome heartbreak that easily?

(Aa)

I have a habit of putting meaning into the meaningless and the pointless, and it constantly drives me to places I do not want to be in.

I often misinterpret situations. I often misconstrue words. I often hurt myself by deliberately putting negative meaning into innocent actions. I often misguide myself with a lot of false hope, too.

(Aa)

We all get lonely sometimes. But I get lonely all the time. Loneliness is a self-imposed condition, brought about by my incessant addiction to love.

There has to be a cure to being addicted to love. There has to be a way to un-love love. Loving love is loving self-destruction. And sometimes I do not want to self-destruct anymore. Sometimes I just want to love myself.

The question of WHEN I will be able to love myself has been bugging me for a long time. I cannot seem to love myself anymore, instead I wait for other people to love me.

Loving myself should be an option, it should be my only option these days. But when did I ever follow my own advice. When did I ever love me?

(Aa)

When there is a strong itch to nag, how do you stop the nagging from coming out?

We all know what most men want, still, we are oftentimes unable to give them that peace of mind that they crave for.

Maybe it has something to do with how most of the time we create our own demons, we prevent our own peace of mind. For how are we supposed to give something that we do not have?

With a mind as hyperactive as mine, peace of mind is an impossibility, it is a rarity, it is something that I long for and is very much unachievable.

How can I attain holistic peace? What answers do I need to find? What questions do I need to ask? 

Oh, Peace, when will I be whole again?

(Aa)

How do we stop foolishness from taking over our lives? Even when we know that it is time to stop, why is it so hard to do so?

I live a life evolving around square one. No matter what I do or how I move on, I always end up on square one - alone and unwanted.

Why does it feel like I am the only lost person existing? What did I do to deserve this?

(Aa)

Sometimes when it is already hard to let go, fate plays its irony by making the other party want to not let go.

(Aa)

Why does it seem easy to stay inside a love not meant to last? Why can't self preservation be enough to counter stupid love?

Even when we know that loving will eventually get us into trouble, we still pursue it. Is this the extent of our existence? To knowingly dig our own graves and revel in it?

(Aa)

When we dial an ex's number, why does the sound of the continuous unanswered ring on the other side feel like a shot to the heart?

Sometimes I wish there is a way to exchange hearts so that the other person can feel what it feels like to have the heart broken over and over again. 

It is never easy to love, and it is even harder to hurt. So why do we still love even when it already hurts?

(Aa)

Why does the sound of the rain make one sad? Why does gloomy weather lead to a sad mood? I reckon it has something to do with the monotonous sound of raindrops falling on the roof, or the darker surrounding, making it feel like nighttime -- the usual time for hugging and basically being with loved ones. 

I miss you. My heart is craving for you. My eyes are looking for you. My hands are longing for you. My whole body is hungry for you.

I guess I should blame it on the rain.

(Aa)

How will the heart know that it is done with hurting? Is there a sign that the heart has had enough of pain? How will the heart know that it can love again?

When it is time to love again, how will we know that the heart is ready?

Sometimes loving is equated with pain that the line between loving and hurting becomes blurry, and the pain seems never ending. The heart cannot seem to feel happiness anymore. It becomes numb.

Is there a way to love in an un-passionate way? To feel love and not hurt at all? To know that love is there and be very sure that it exists?

How is love measured anyway? 

💔

Miss Disabled

I am having a slow and hard time installing apps in Miss Disabled after enabling her.

Oh, Globe, can't you cooperate? And Smart, why are you so slow?

Putong Puti and Shortcutting Law School

Written in 2010, when I was in my last semester of law school: :)

My iBook was supposed to have her birthday on Christmas 2010. She never made it to her 5th birthday as she crashed last night. As there is no Apple Store in the 2 cities nearby, I am left with no choice but to let her have her peaceful P54,000.00 death.

 

I named her Putong Puti because she was white (Puti) and because I wanted to be constantly reminded of my family through our business at home (food business, hence Puto) when I was in Cebu. When I enrolled in Law, I stuck a "LAWYER" sticker (that Kamais and I stole from National Bookstore) on Putong Puti so I'd get reminded of my aim every time I see Putong Puti, that I needed to be a lawyer.

 

I was not the type who used the laptop mainly for gaming and movie watching purposes. I had the desktop for that. Instead, I used her for school. Since first year law, I have painstakingly searched and downloaded reviewers, reviewers that no one at school seemed to have any interest of having. Instead of reading my textbooks, I relied on reviewers. I survived 3 years of school with good grades because of Putong Puti.

 

A few months ago, I decided to study for the Bar, instead of studying for my College professors. I started collating and editing reviewers from different schools so I'd have a set of edited notes that I planned on relying on for the review proper.

 

The other day, Tuesday, we had our Commercial Law Review midterm exam. Because I spent too much time online playing Bakery Life, I only studied for the exam a day before schedule. The exam covered Nego, Insu, and Corpo, and it was in MCQ format. Someone had already told me to buy the Sundiang's Commercial Law Reviewer because it contained most of what Atty Moslem covered in class. But because I had a fixed thought that I was to rely on school reviewers, I didn't buy the book and read my collated reviewers instead. When the exam came, it was pure RECALL-TYPE MCQ. 30 days. 180 days. 6 months. 1 year. 3 years. 5 years. I got them wrong. Valid. Void. Voidable. Recissible. Can be Ratified. Some of them I got wrong. I counted about 10 mistakes (the results are not out yet), and most of them involved numbers. In a 30-items 3-points each exam, 10 mistakes is more than death, it's murder to the highest level.

 

I honestly thought that the exam was going to cover cases, as illustrated in Abad's MCQ fact sheets, instead of MCQ that called for recall of numbers. ;( But I can only blame myself for not giving any attention to numbers. How could I have been so foolish as to assume what would come out in the exam? I gave myself the usual BAROPS, the misleading type. ;)

 

The night after the exam, I decided that if I would continue with the same study format that I was using, great chances were, I'd never have any chance of passing the Bar. Exam pa nga lang kay Atty. Moslem, bagsak na, how much more sa Bar. So I vowed to stop using reviewers from schools and to rely on the "requisite" reviewers instead.

 

See, the problem is, I have never read Jurado, the very basic reviewer that every law student should have read since first year. I never finished reading Miravite. I never read a page of Albano. Or Riano. How much more with Domondon. Or any other book reviewer. I consider myself the lone student who passed her subjects by not studying at all. ;) Since first year, I mainly relied on UP reviewers for coverage, memorized using Ateneo's reviewers, and studied ABQ using Silliman's arranged ABQ. I SURVIVED ON SHORTCUTS. No textbooks. No book reviewers. Since first year.

 

I would very much like to lecture incoming first years on the mistakes that law students should avoid. I certainly became a master of those mistakes after almost four years of practice.

 

The night after the exam, Tuesday night, when I decided to use book reviewers, I placed my collated notes in a box and planned on storing them for good. And then last night, Wednesday night, my laptop, Putong Puti, crashed, bringing with her to heaven, all my files of school reviewers.

 

Thinking about it now, I should not mourn her death too much. This could a blessing in disguise. Now that I cannot have access to those reviewers, I am left with no other choice but to rely on those uberthick book reviewers. I now have dates with Jurado, Miravite, Domondon, Riano, Sundiang and Villanueva (I've to buy pa), and the rest of the gang. With force and intimidation.

 

If there is one thing that the school reviewers helped me MUCH MUCH with, it is seeing the big picture of the law subjects. I am not a lover of objectives. I am a lover of case problems. I cannot memorize a single provision and retain it for a month. I understand the concepts instead. If it wasn't for the UP reviewer on Taxation, I'd never have understood a thing about Taxation because every book that I had on Tax focused on nosebleed definitions. But now that I have seen the bigger picture, it is time to focus on the details. Dates. Definitions. Latin Phrases. Et cetera.

 

As I am saying goodbye to my beloved iBook, I am thanking her for the blessed years that we shared together in shortcutting law school. Her death will be a great loss, as I never plan on using Macintosh ever again. Goodbye, Putong Puti. Thank you.

 

 

 

 

-------------------------------------------------------

How I made a shortcut of law school:

 

1. I have never read a Labor Law textbook. Not even the very basic Azucena pair.

2. In Civil Law, the only textbooks that I finished reading were on Persons and Family Relations, Property and Succession (because I liked Atty. Calala and Atty. Mamowalas that much). I have never read any textbook on any other Civil Law subject.

3. In Political Law, I have only read Cruz' Political Law, Constitutional Law and Public International Law textbooks. No textbook read in any other Poli Subject.

4. In Remedial Law, I was able to finish 4 textbooks in Evidence - 3 Francisco and 1 Riano - (because I wanted to excel in the eyes of Atty. Magi, my love). I mechanically went through Atty. Gubat's Criminal Procedure textbook. None read for Civil Procedure.

5. In Commercial Law, I have read De Leon's textbooks, and other than those, none.

6. In Taxation, I have read a few chapters of Aban's Basic Tax for Atty. Muti's Tax 1, and no other textbook.

7. In Criminal Law, I have read Reyes' Book 1 only.

8. In Legal Ethics and Practical Exercises, no textbook read.

 

- I have not read any textbook reviewer except Miravite and Nachura (never finished both)

- I walked in the halls of the College for almost four years thinking I could survive on shortcuts. Now that it's only months before graduation, I'm singing... it's too late to apologize... it's too late..

First Day Funk

It is the first day of school. And my stomach is full of butterflies.

Argh!

Whoever decided that I am fit to teach Commercial Law Review must be plainly out of his mind. (I love you, Sir. Hehe) I deeply fear that my feeling of inadequacy will reflect on my performance inside the class. I want to be a good professor. But I am doubtful if I am capable of teaching a review subject. Ouch!

Oh, God, please be good to me. Please make me efficient enough, and please make my students learn something from me. Please, help me produce students capable of passing the bar exam. Thank You. :)

posted from Bloggeroid

May 13, 2013

So it's almost election day. Argh! I dread the day.

Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.10

Upgrade Downgrade

Ever felt an upgrade that felt like a downgrade?

Since it's the Dean's plan to improve the College's performance by focusing on the first year students, he'd often said (to Vice-Chancellors, Assist. Deans, etc.) during meetings that he'd assigned good performing professors to the first years.

I was assigned to handle next semester's Legal Profession and Legal Research, both first year first semester subjects, along with Election Law, a second year first semester subject, a subject I formerly handled.

A fellow professor had already told me that this was an upgrade, that the Dean saw me fit for his plans of upgrading the first years.

Yet why do I feel like I was given a demotion (after handling last semester's Public Corporation, a third year subject)?

I worry over what other people would say when they ask me what subjects I handled because some people base a professor's performance through the assigned subjects. ;)

Am I too unfit for serious subjects? ;(

Oh well. I hope the Dean didn't lose confidence in me and that he did assign subjects based on his glorious plans of improvement.

I'd like teaching Legal Profession and Legal Research anyway as not much brain would be needed during class. ;)

10 units. Aja aja!

Midterm Undone

Still have exam papers to check today. This really is the bad side of being a teacher.

Laxatives

I feel guilty that I might not be able to comprehensively cover the topics in Election Law and Legal Ethics. I've been absent from class 4 times this year and now that the exams are approaching, I pity the students.

I shouldn't have adapted a fellow teacher's love for absences.

And I haven't checked their exam notebooks yet. Great, just great.

A Dream Is A Wish Your Heart Makes

I had a dream where everything seemed so familiar but I couldn't recognize the place and the people involved, when I woke up. I walked a trail so familiar I wondered if I had the same before. It could be de javu. Or I've had the same dream before. Or I've actually been in that place but I just couldn't remember.

I'd like to think that it is a recurring dream and that it is a sign that I am on a loop. I am walking the same path again. I am repeating the same mistakes. I am walking in circles.

I need to jump out of this loop and start again. I need to shift gears and be courageous enough to leave new footsteps on a new trail.

But when?

Organized Person Wannabe

I used to spend a lot of time organizing my stuff. Now I can't even straighten up my bed. I am too engrossed with my newfound Smart Unli Data, I can't seem to let my phone go.

I need to have a room to be proud of again. I am beginning to be a slob again. Tsk tsk tsk.

About Me

I've been blogging for almost 10 years now. I can't say I do it so that people can read about me. I often blog an entry when something frustrating pops up in my mind, mostly when I feel sad or depressed and I need a vent.

When I compose an entry, I don't often think of any other reader. I think of myself as the only reader although I know I'll be posting the entry in an open internet.

Because I have a very weak memory ( I can't remember names, faces, numbers, events, and basically everything -- too much anesthesia ), I blog so that years after, I'll have a bank of memories to read from and thus remind me of what I felt at certain moments of my life.

I am not a writer. I am just an ordinary person with ordinary experiences and ordinary thoughts. I don't intend to amaze or impress anyone with this blog. This blog is my memory bank. This blog is for me. This blog is mine. Just posted publicly for anyone to see. =)

Leaving Behind

Patpat brought home lots of chocolates when she and Jazzim came back from Surigao. This is my share of the loot. :)

Patpat got accepted for a job as legal field officer at UN-CHR in Davao City so she'll be transferring residences for a while. I admire her courage to face panel interviews. I pity her for having to leave her family in Marawi though. I hope all goes well with her young family, separation and all.

New Banner

Took me literally hours to decide, finish and change my blog's header image. Shouldn't happen in a few years so the neck cramp should be worth it. It's been days since I last sat in front of my laptop, hence the cramp.

Sick Again

I'm sick again. Sigh. I need to maintain a healthy diet and drink vitamins. One bout of sore throat can already down me.

I won't be going to class tomorrow, so that at least is the good side of getting sick.

Still Afraid

I was informed of a case, and my heart started to beat so fast I almost lost my breath.

Seems I really am that afraid of taking on cases and going to trial. ;'( I pity my family and the people who still expect me to do better.

I wish for things better. I just don't have the courage the take the initial step forward.

My God. I am a lost cause.

Totally Stuck

Why am I stuck? Have I no ambition? Am I going to be forever satisfied with today? Will I ever worry about tomorrow and strive to make something out of today?

I don't know. Honestly, I don't know.

I am happy with today. But I fear that I am letting the people around me down. They might be expecting something out of me. And I don't think I can deliver.

I am sorry. (in a Gloria M. tone) :)

I don't know what I am doing with my life and what I am supposed to do with it. My God, as always, I am lost.

Sometimes I just want to fade into oblivion and be forgotten. :(

But I know that my family expect more.

(Sigh) I am disappointing them again.